Firstly, I commend this person for assembling a comprehensive collection on the history of Krystal Draper starting from the ripe age of 16. The suspense was killing me. I waited patiently for October 3rd and, when the day came, I was indeed pleased.

So, what next? The epic saga of Krystal Draper, which I’d been following since around 2003 (a taste of honesty from sly ol’ Nicole), must be far from over. I’m expecting some sort of shitstorm. Yep I’m holding my breath. I’m begging the Universe for a sign.

Unfortunately, being only an observer of this surreal internet circus, I have no information to contribute. The only thing I have to offer is the perplexing feeling that I know Krystal Draper as an old, old frienemy. After all, I’ve been acquainted with her fuckery for 8 years. Ever since I was a flat-chested social retard hanging out in the computer room during lunch, working dedicatedly on my own website complete with seizure-inducing animated GIF “blinkies” and over-photoshopped “blends,” forever at the mercy of IE5 and (gasp!) Tag-Board, I’ve stalked her, with the feeling that, wow, somewhere up North is a crazy bitch who is infinitely more pathetic than I will ever be. Sitting there at the fat little transparent blue iMac I would sit and pick my nose and laugh maniacally.

I’ve always enjoyed psychoanalysis as one of my many odd, perverted little hobbies. Krystal Draper has been my Internet project for 8 years. I hope it never ends.

Today is a good day. Today, I have returned.

OH DEAR BABY JESUS NO IT CAN'T BE

OH DEAR BABY JESUS NO IT CAN'T BE

Was I bored? Yes. Jobless? Yes. Homeless? Yes, yes, YES!

Nicole is all of these things! Which means – lucky for you – she has reawakened after billions of years in seclusion.

I’ve been traversing the galaxy in search of the elusive Krystal Draper – that ephemeral ghost with the flaky white skin and abrasively bleached hair. I know you guys missed me. There is a new chapter in the Saga.

More to come, hombres.

Okay.

So, today, Sara Mangus, Mysterious Anonymous Person and I witnessed some pretty profound “text diarrhea” (as it may be referred to on the web?) by our favorite hellbeast. The display of immaturity in her anonymous insults by her MANY invented personalities (all, coincidentally, using the same exact immature prose and making excessive references to prison) was so astonishing that I had to leave the room and go masturbate. You see, this kind of stuff gets me off, to be honest. I just can’t get enough. So, I was inspired to show the other side of Krystal – well, she has many, many sides – mostly, the side that wears the mask of maturity and disdain.

I am proud to present some intimate PMs. I’m honored to have this privelege. You cannot stop me. I AM the internet hate machine. I WILL destroy you. Over and over and over again. Because it gets me off.

Krystal displays her first sign of weakness when she metaphorically pulls me aside and whispers,

What is your email address? I am not dealing with this publicly. I’ve done nothing wrong. I want this to end. PM me your email and we’ll chat.

Okay. I tell her, “Krystal… my friend… this is private enough. No email address for you.” Paraphrased, anyway.

Her, she gets in real deep:

Alright. I would appreciate the following answered, truthfully.

1. Who are you? Be honest.
2. Why are you doing this?
3. What can I do to get you to stop?

And I do not want any of these PMs posted on your journal, blog, or anywhere else.

(Ha Ha Ha Ha!)

Now, I will post my response, for context.

1. I am not Sara Mangus as you may think. All I have ever been is Nicole.
2. I do this because I find you incredibly interesting. You’ve been following the same patterns for, what… about 7 years or so? I do this because I do not take the Internet seriously, and I take pleasure in watching and interacting with people who do. I’d like to know what goes on inside your head. I’d like to know why you are so insecure. I’d like to know why you constantly react to accusation using the most primitive form of defense ever – posting nude pictures of your “enemies,” spamming, anonymous insults – and you CONTINUE to regenerate yourself in a different blog, a different domain name, or whatever, year after year after year! I find it amazing! Do you do this because you don’t take the Internet seriously either? Or do you act like this in real life? This is all incredibly fascinating to me.
3. To get me to stop, you simply have to cease to be entertaining to me. Maybe this means reconciling with everyone, starting over once again, never copying another theme from someone else, or going into hiding forever – honestly, I don’t care WHAT you do! I’ll stop if I get bored. And I’ll get bored when you stop being so entertainingly crazy.
So… those are my answers to your questions. I’d like to know a little bit more about you – what are YOUR motives? What is your life like outside the Internet? Do you ever tell the truth? And finally – what makes you so angry all the time, and so uncomfortable with yourself that you have to resort to imitating other online personalities?

Words from Krystal Himself in response:

Yes but that is not what I asked. I asked who you are. Telling me your name is Nicole tells me nothing.

I’m not following any pattern. I’m not stealing anything. I was not starting drama. I was keeping a private journal to hold my memories and to keep in contact with friends when you came along.

I am not insecure. And I don’t copy themes from anyone. I had that layout on my blog long before Sara did and I will continue to use it if I’d like to.

I’m not going to bother telling you what my life is like outside of the internet because you won’t believe me anyway. I have been nothing but truthful in my blogs yet none of you believe it. You seem to be incapable of grasping the fact that people grow up, move on, move out of their parents house, get jobs, go to school, etc… so I won’t bother to tell you what I am doing because you will not believe me. You’ll continue to assume I live off my mother and don’t work. So why should I waste my time?

I am not imitating anyone, nor am I angry. I just want to be left alone.

You know, Krystal baby, denial really doesn’t support your argument. Coming from someone who argues for a living, I know. You really have to know how to beat me at this, Krystal! Or Am I Unstoppable?

I ask some more pressing interview questions here.

Then… what I still don’t understand is… what’s with all the immaturity, insults, and hate sites? Is this how you deal with everything? Look, that’s all I really have to go on!
OK, so you probably don’t live in your mother’s house. I can believe you on that one. But I think my chief impression of you is the Krystal who is SO ready to react to any offense, ready to take down her blog repeatedly (even though you can just keep it private!) and play this game of cat-and-mouse where you hide and we continually succeed in finding you.
If you really do NOT imitate Sara like you say, then you would have nothing to act so sensitively about. And you would ignore it. Look at Sara Mangus – You make an offensive journal about her, you threaten her… but she’s not really going anywhere, is she? It works both ways.
If we didn’t have to chase you around so often, then jesus, maybe we would get bored, leave you alone and find something else to do with ourselves. But I find it fun to argue with you and play your game. I can’t say the same for sure about ~krystaldraper, I don’t know who that is.

YET MORE DENIAL floods in from that tempestuous ocean that is Krystal’s soul:

I’m not the person behind the sara-mangus hate site. You won’t believe that anyway so it doesn’t matter. I’m not the only person being immature here. The same can be said for you, ~krystaldraper, and Sara. If you expect maturity on my behalf then you should at least try it out yourself. It works both ways.

The whole thing with Sara would never have happened if she hadn’t gone out of her way to find my old website last year and start harassing me again. I am not the one who went out of my way to find her, it was her who did that to me. I don’t want to be her. I don’t copy her and I certainly do not threaten her. You don’t even know the situation. You don’t know the background or anything that is going on. You think I am crazy? She is 100x crazier than I am and I’m not just saying that because I dislike her. She goes out of her way to cause drama all over the internet with tons of people.

Perhaps I move my journals because I don’t want my friends being bothered? And because you put them on that ridiculous ED page and I’d rather not have my family reading my entries? I’d like to keep a public journal but then you steal my photos, edit them and tear me apart. And you claim I am being immature?

I’m only immature and defensive when provoked and I really only do it because I find it amusing. I’m not crazy and I’m certainly not dumb. I don’t take what people on the internet think of me too seriously and I’m pretty sure all people are at least somewhat crazy – god knows I certainly suffer from OCD/ADD and am possibly bipolar but that’s beside the point. Being crazy has nothing to do with it. For some reason you don’t think you’re doing anything wrong here and I don’t get that.

Uh huh.

Me:

Yep, that’s right. It goes both ways.

You see, if you don’t take any of us seriously, then I don’t think you’d react so angrily and so immaturely as we see in all those “anonymous” comments.
And if you are not the person behind the sara-mangus hate site, then no matter WHO is behind it, why would they want to spend ANY amount of their time on it? Is there really a person out there who is just as judgmental and accusatory at Sara Mangus as you are? Because God knows how many people are accusing YOU of various things, so it’s believable to me, for example, that the ED site exists.
However, I don’t know Sara Mangus. Maybe she is just as hateable as you claim her to be. And I don’t know the extent of your beef with her, BUT, I DO know that you have had a lot of problems with other people over the years. I KNOW that. The blame still seems to be on you. I’m judging from the actions and responses I’ve seen over the years from many entertaining internet personalities.
I don’t EXPECT maturity from you. I don’t give a shit how people behave on the internet. I simply look at your reactions, I judge, and I respond with whatever damn reaction I want.
Not to claim neutrality on this, since I’m certainly NOT innocent in the whole matter, but I don’t talk to your friends, and I am not the one who is updating the ED page. If you want to discuss those problems, I’m not the person to discuss them with.
It’s true that everyone’s crazy. There are just some types of crazy that I strive to understand – I don’t think your reactions to our bullying say that you find it “amusing.” I think it says that you are taking everything far too seriously, and that shows guilt to me. This guilt makes it seem obvious that YOU are the instigator in all this “layout-stealing” nonsense. I judge actions, not statements.
I’m not doing anything wrong in the sense that I believe everyone involved in this is at fault on some level anyway. I’m just stirring things up.

You see, guys, I’m being reasonable, right? Right?

Finally:

Well good luck with stirring things up then but I will have no more of it. The only reason I react so strongly to your actions is because I am sick of it. I am not the person I used to be and I will not tolerate being harassed.

I’m certain you’ll grow bored of me pretty quickly because my journal is locked and I won’t be responding to any more immaturity. If you want to act like an adult and talk to me as though you are one then I will reply accordingly, otherwise I am just going to ignore it.

Ahahahahahahaha. The ultimatum. Priceless.

This was where the conversation ended – but not before I responded, “Great! I challenge you to do that.”

And… guys…

SHE FAILED. MISERABLY. KRYSTAL DRAPER, YOU HAVE FAILED THE MATURITY TEST!

Ohhhhh my. What a sorry, sad sack.

More messages to come from “her friend” ~barringtone! That one’s really entertaining.

THIS IS DELICIOUS!

More to come very soon. Promisepromisepromise. GOLLY this is fun.

Goodnight

Goodnight Internet hombres. Before I go, I leave you with this:

My favorite kid.

My favorite kid.

Sleep tight!