Firstly, I commend this person for assembling a comprehensive collection on the history of Krystal Draper starting from the ripe age of 16. The suspense was killing me. I waited patiently for October 3rd and, when the day came, I was indeed pleased.

So, what next? The epic saga of Krystal Draper, which I’d been following since around 2003 (a taste of honesty from sly ol’ Nicole), must be far from over. I’m expecting some sort of shitstorm. Yep I’m holding my breath. I’m begging the Universe for a sign.

Unfortunately, being only an observer of this surreal internet circus, I have no information to contribute. The only thing I have to offer is the perplexing feeling that I know Krystal Draper as an old, old frienemy. After all, I’ve been acquainted with her fuckery for 8 years. Ever since I was a flat-chested social retard hanging out in the computer room during lunch, working dedicatedly on my own website complete with seizure-inducing animated GIF “blinkies” and over-photoshopped “blends,” forever at the mercy of IE5 and (gasp!) Tag-Board, I’ve stalked her, with the feeling that, wow, somewhere up North is a crazy bitch who is infinitely more pathetic than I will ever be. Sitting there at the fat little transparent blue iMac I would sit and pick my nose and laugh maniacally.

I’ve always enjoyed psychoanalysis as one of my many odd, perverted little hobbies. Krystal Draper has been my Internet project for 8 years. I hope it never ends.


Goodnight Internet hombres. Before I go, I leave you with this:

My favorite kid.

My favorite kid.

Sleep tight!

Goodbye Cruel World

Friends, my intense adventure through my favorite series of tubes has gone awfully awry. You see, regrettably, the police have been alerted. This means I’ll have to shut down my blog and evacuate my home.

This is all thanks to Krystal’s alter ego and her other alter ego, who have succeeded in exposing me as Sara Mangus. Yes, it’s true. I am Sara Mangus. Cops, come and get me. I’m waiting.

Autopsy investigation is under way

For now, post-mortem results will be withheld until further notice. Cause of death is pending investigation.

A glimpse at Krystal’s corpse can be attained here.

A Psychological Tornado

Interesting things have been happening on the Krystal front. She hasn’t yet reverted to her old habits of Internet terrorism, but nonetheless, she is still alive and kickin’! No worries, friends.

If you haven’t already discovered this journalistic farce, allow me to introduce you to it. It is a fantastic piece of blogging material. The amazing thing about this journal: One has to keep in mind that, in order to experience it to its full potential, it needs to be refreshed approximately twice an hour. Only then does one have the privelege of being introduced to Krystal’s mysterious life! The fleeting blog entries are only made public for about 5 minutes or so at a time. This is made specifically for the purpose of allowing obsessive stalkers such as me to have endless fun! Alas, I have been revealed. Oh, Krystal, you have exposed me.

Regardless of my personal life and whether or not I am unemployed, living in my parent’s basement and dangerously mentally unstable (Protip: I am), I’m here to tell you about Krystal’s wonderful exploits. One ephemeral post on her website mentioned a recent tornado disaster near her home! The photos of the tornado (VERY impressive Krystal, your photojournalistic talents are abundant) that were linked on the page were mysteriously sourced from Tumblr, which leads me to think that, somewhere out there, Krystal has hidden a Tumblr goldmine for me and my psychopathic cohorts to find. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking.

Anyway, what really confuses me is this: Okay, Krystal. You made a post about a recent tornado disaster in Ontario. That’s cool. But then… why did you delete it? Please enlighten me. I don’t see anything personal about this tornado. There’s no use hiding it, Krystal, because it’s all over the news anyway. Don’t bother deleting posts about things that people already know.

News Item #2: Krystal has been “squirrelized:”

Guess who's the rodent? Ha! Ha!

Guess who's the rodent? Ha! Ha!

The picture’s great. Krystal, you’re gorgeous darling, and I love your voluminous hair. But I think the point of being “squirrelized,” if I have the meme correctly, is to be photographically interrupted by the squirrel. It kind of looks like you are just posing with it. The squirrel’s expression appears to say, “What the fuck am I doing here? I quit this bitch.”

Well guys, I guess I’m going to have to say, bye for now! I’m expecting a lawsuit sometime soon. That’s going to add loads of fun to my humdrum life!